Nihil – Chapter 1: Lost – Part 5

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I gave up on trying to get more out of him. Maybe I hoped that I would make more sense out of the situation around me if I kept going on. Maybe those rebels would help me find reason in this mess that was constantly swirling in my head. Maybe I could get true allies with real faces and presence among those rebels on the other side of all the rubble, waiting for me to find them.

The thought of finally meeting other people in person filled my mind. I wondered how they’d look like. I couldn’t remember seeing any human being, so I could only picture them as I pictured myself. Then again I’ve only seen my own reflection once and I wasn’t even surely if that was real. I instinctively had an idea about how a human’s appearance, that’s why I was petrified when I first looked into the mirror. But there was no guarantee that my instincts were right. It’s equally possible that what I called a “monster” is what we would consider a “regular look”…

As I was digging my way to freedom with all the strength left in my arms, pushing myself beyond of what I was capable of, almost as if I tapped into forces of inhuman, animalistic nature, a sudden fear came to me and I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried. I realized that I thought of the rebels as my saviours even before I had actually met them. What if they won’t help me at all? What if I really was a monster on the outside and they’d kill me the instant I approached them. And how would I reach out to them even if they wouldn’t find me hostile? I didn’t know if they’d understand my words or they’d just hear gibberish. I didn’t have the ability to connect to them.

Once I reached that conclusion I stopped. I couldn’t continue on. I didn’t have the strength nor the means to proceed. I was nothing. I was not of this world. I did not really exist here. Tears were trying to burst out, but they just kept welling up, not breaking through the dam that was in their way. I was so empty that I couldn’t even cry. My emotions were just as shallow and fake as everything else about me. I could never see others, and they could never feel my presence. I should have just died right then and there. The walls should have finally given in and collapsed on my body. A corpse without name, purpose or reason, crushed in a place that doesn’t exist and there’s no map that would show you this non-existent location. It wasn’t even really there. It was nothing. I am nothing.